the obscure object of desire
by clairebare
Summary: love pursues patrick jane.
1. Chapter 1

"Teresa?" I look up from my keyboard. Kim is standing at my desk holding two sodas.

"I was going to take a break in my office, want to join me?"

"Sure," I say and follow her to her glassed-in space.

She takes the seat behind her desk. I take the visitor's chair.

She slides a cold Diet Coke and a bag of Hershey's Kisses my way.

We crack open our sodas in unison and for a few moments the only noise is fizz and the crinkle of foil.

But all is not well at snack time. Kim's drinking that Coke way too fast and she's barely peeling the Kisses before tossing them in her mouth.

She smiles a nervous smile.

"This is about Jane, Teresa."

Of course it is. He gave her a rough time on that last case.

"That's just Jane being Jane, Kim. I wouldn't take the fact that he ditched you in Texas personally. I mean who hasn't he left hanging?"

She nods gratefully. She rolls the foil wrappers into little balls.

I continue, "And at least you had your phone."

Kim says, "He left you with no phone?"

My mind goes back to that sunset at the beach when Jane hugged me and tricked me and left me. I didn't mean to compare notes with Kim.

I wave the subject away. "Oh, he gets up to all sorts of crazy stuff."

Kim smiles wide. "He's really very clever. Always alert. His brain going a million miles an hour."

I say, "He's clever alright. The cleverer he gets, the more trouble he'll get you in."

She nods.

"Was he ever a dancer?" she asks.

What a strange question.

I say, "Jane, was a showman on the carny circuit but no, I don't think he ever danced in any professional sense."

My mind goes to the time I danced with him at that high school. He led me across the floor with such confidence and he smelled so good. But I don't want to share that with Kim either.

Kim continues, "Because, I don't know if you've ever noticed but he's very graceful. He just moves well."

I laugh. "Yeah, I guess sneaky and graceful are kissing cousins."

So she's studying Jane, watching him move. How many years have I done that?

She giggles. "He is sneaky alright. But he can be very sweet."

I shake my head. "He can be but he doesn't usually choose to be."

"I thought the wand was a wonderful gift." Her eyes are shining.

My mind goes to Jane opening the door of my office and the little pony being there. Another thing I don't need to tell Kim.

"A wonderful gift," Kim sighs. "Turns out being understood is an underrated pleasure."

"Being understood is a what?" I say.

"Just something he once said to me," Kim replies.

She tosses little balls of foil one by one into her trashcan.

I finish my Coke.

"You two were definitely never involved, right?" She says this without looking at me.

I bean her with a ball of foil. "Don't be silly, Kim, we've been through this."

I keep my tone light. I don't want this to turn into some interrogation about why Jane and I were never together. Kim and I have been there, done that.

"Good. Because I need your help." Kim stands and tidies up my pile of foil and my soda can.

"I'm in love with him."


	2. Chapter 2

"So you don't mind my telling you this?" Kim asks.

How the hell should I know if I mind?

Now that she's got her confession off her chest, Kim fairly skips around her office with a paper towel and spray cleaner tending to the aftermath of snack time.

"Uhh...no, Kim, I don't mind." She fell in love with Patrick Jane. And she told me about it. What possessed her to do either of those things?

"Because I've known for a few weeks and it's a relief to just say it to someone." She opens her file cabinet.

She holds out a Clinique Spring Fling Gift Pak. A pale green zip case.

"I stocked up on moisturizer and body scrub and they gave me two bonuses. Thought you might like one."

I absently open the case and peruse the little mascara and perfume and shadow and gloss. Why always raspberry?

"Thanks, this'll come in handy with all the travel we're doing," I say. Are we girlfriends now? Heartbreak-sharing, tampon-lending girlfriends?

"Oh, that reminds me, Teresa, you and Cho are travelling to Miami tomorrow to check out a new lead on the Bolivian cartel."

"Miami? Cool. I've never been."

"Cuban food's wonderful. Meanwhile, I've got Jane set up to go with me to New York to the CFDA Awards at the Metropolitan Museum of Art."

"CFDA? Isn't that the big event pictured in that movie, 'The Devil Wears…"

"'Prada,'" Kim says. "Yes, we're looking into intellectual property theft in the fashion industry. We'll be undercover as rich investors."

So she's assigned Jane to escort her to the most glamorous event of the year. I would have liked that assignment. I mean, New York is so interesting and educational and the fashion business is so creative yet highly technical and…

Why is it bothering me that she gets to cover this assignment with Jane?

He'll have maximum opportunity to pull all sorts of crazy stunts. Messes that Kim will have to clean up.

My mind drifts back to that fund-raiser in the jewelry store with Jane so succulent in his tuxedo. How proud I was of his little stage performance. I can see him-"

"Pretty crafty way to get things rolling between us, huh?" Kim is grinning. "I've booked one of the towers at The Carlyle. I mean I don't think things will go that far but just in case, it's nice to have a drop dead hotel suite handy."

"Huh? Oh yes. Crafty. But be careful, Kim. He has a knack for running off and causing embarrassing scenes at these events."

"Oh, when he sees the dress I'm wearing, I think he'll stick close by my side."

"Anna Wintour is dressing me and that editor-at-large, Andre Leon Talley is dressing Jane. Of course, once Andre gets a look at Patrick, I don't know if he'll want to give him back."

Kim's chirping away more excited than I've ever seen her.

Does she really think all it'll take to get Jane is a pretty dress? I've tried to get Jane in—Wait, no, I've worn a pretty dress in his vicinity purely for business reasons.

I've never tried to get Jane.


	3. Chapter 3

1

I'm in my hotel in Miami.

Loxed out in front of the TV with a plate of ropa vieja and a beer.

One station is covering the CFDA awards in New York.

As a reporter discusses the winning designers and the causes CFDA supports, I watch a montage of attendees.

Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson and Jane.

The models, Marine Deleeuw, Elizabeth Erm, Tilda Lindstam, Malaika Firth and Jane.

Dolce & Gabanna & Jane.

Andre Leon Talley, Anna Wintour, Grace Coddington and Patrick fucking Jane.

Why is Jane everywhere? And where the hell is Kim?

2

Cho and I land in Austin the next morning and go right to the office.

Jane is on his couch asleep in last night's tuxedo.

He looks amazing.

I have never seen a suit this beautiful.

Right, Teresa, it's the suit.

His blue green eyes open. He stretches like a super-expensive cat.

"Hey, Lisbon. You're a sight for sore eyes."

Did he just say that?

He just spent a night with the best-looking people in the world plus a willing Kim and I'm a sight for sore eyes?

That makes me feel great.

And that makes me feel scared. I'm scared to have Jane affect me that much.

"Teresa?" Kim's voice behind me.

Jane pretends to be asleep.

I turn. Her lips are swollen to twice their usual size.

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure, Kim." I follow her.

I take a seat in her office. She's very serious.

"First of all, don't use the lip gloss from the Clinique Spring Fling Pak."

I can't help it, I snort.

Kim isn't from the big laughers. I bite my human-size lip and try not to look directly at her.

"The trip went well. Jane has a way of getting next to people and with a little more work, I think we could be making some arrests for intellectual property theft in the near future."

The combo of her crisp professional demeanor and her inflat-o lips is making me almost pee my pants.

Wait a minute. Why am I acting like this? This is childish. This is like Jane.

"From a personal angle, I did get to tell Jane that I enjoyed being with him and hoped we could spend more time together in the future. He seemed receptive, interested even. But pretty soon, I got this bad reaction to my lip gloss and had to go back to the hotel suite."

I'm a bobble head. Kim's talking. I'm thinking.

Why do I know that Jane put something in her food or her cosmetics to make her lips blow up like that?

Why does it fill me with joy?


	4. Chapter 4

1

So Jane sabotaged Kim's plans for him by booby-trapping her lip gloss.

That was Jane's way of telling her he's not interested.

Correction. That was Jane's asinine way of telling her. Or am I being redundant?

At any rate, Kim didn't make the connection.

Dot one. Kim tells Jane she enjoys spending time with him.

Dot two. Jane disappears for a moment.

Dot three. Kim's lips blow up like king pillows complete with shams.

Dot four. Jane sends her back to the Carlyle in a cab.

Dot five. Jane dances night away with entire Wilhelmina agency.

Kim thinks he's interested. She doesn't know him the way I do.

Should I tell her that Jane just shot her down?

Is it my duty as a friend and fellow human?

2

Much as I like her, I don't think Kim is a suitable mate for Jane.

Who do I think is suitable?

I would be suitable, if I were interested.

If.

3

What if I told Jane I enjoy spending time with him?


	5. Chapter 5

1

I swing by Kim's office to find her looking no less puffy.

She beckons me in.

"So, Teresa. What's my next move?"

Beats the shit out of me. If I knew what the next move was to get Patrick Jane to do anything, I wouldn't be sharing it with you, girlie.

"Gosh, Kim. I'd just let things percolate."

This inexplicably seems to satisfy her and she attacks her keyboard with happy fingers.

2

I head to my desk

Jane is standing in the center of the bullpen with his back to me.

He's removed his tuxedo jacket.

He swivels to face me.

He undoes his bowtie and tosses his hair.

I muster my best Tom Jones,

"I saw the light on the night when I passed by her window."

Jane grins and sings back, "I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind."

Then together. "She was my woman."

We're stuck for the next line.

Cho says it. "As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind."

Jane and me together. "My, my, my Delilah. Why, why, why Delilah?"

Kim enters. "What's going on? Are you guys joking or something?"

Uh-oh. Gangrene has just set in.

She shrugs and walks off with a file.

Me, Jane and Cho bring it home.

"So before they come to break down the door,

Forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take anymore."

Abbott can't resist. "Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take anymore!"

I laugh so hard, I puke in my mouth a little.

3

Kim is definitely not suitable. I am.


	6. Chapter 6

1

I am suitable for Jane?

What am I thinking?

Ok, Teresa. Time to get your thoughts organized.

Kim is not suitable for Jane. Why?

First of all, she didn't understand that when her lips swelled up, that was his way of rebuffing her overtures.

I would have gotten it on the one.

She further showed her lack of suitability as a Jane mate by not joining in with us when we sang "Delilah."

Even if she didn't know the song, just contributing any line from any song would have worked.

I mean if she'd launched into "Pants On the Ground," I would have considered myself trumped.

If I know one thing it's that when a guy in a tux loosens his bow tie, you sing.

Kim is not suitable for Jane nor does Jane want her.

While I may be appalled by the way he communicated this (causing physical pain is never warranted), he did make me laugh my ass off.

I have to tell Kim that she's made a mistake.

That he's not interested in her.

It's the right thing to do.

2

I arrive at her office to find Jane there with her.

He hands her a bag of frozen peas.

She holds it to her lips.

Such an intimate moment.

They catch my eye and smile at me.

Oh no. I've got it wrong.

He does care for her.

What a nice guy.

What a fucking bastard.

After I sang Tom Jones with him?

Jane may not be suitable for me.


	7. Chapter 7

1

Jane turns the bag of peas so that Kim presses a frostier section of the bag to her lips.

He comes out of Kim's office and speaks to me.

"Lisbon…Teresa…I'm sorry about this. Truly sorry."

He's truly sorry that I had to find out this way that he cares about Kim?

I won't give him the satisfaction of seeming to care.

"No problem, Jane. See you later."

I flee.

2

I'm driving.

I'm blinded.

Blinded by insight.

I have to pull over and reorganize my thoughts.

Jane did something to Kim that made her lips swell up.

He feels bad about it.

He brought her ice.

Interpretation one: he regrets hurting Kim and, as a fellow primate, he wants to soothe her wounds.

Interpretation two: he regrets hurting Kim, has realized his true feelings for her and wants to soothe her wounds starting with ice on her lips but continuing to all parts of her that may require his ministrations cold or hot.

Interpretation three: he regrets hurting Kim and has no particular feelings for her. But he truly regrets coming off as a schmuck to me because he wants me to think highly of him.

Question: Why does the son of a bitch want me to think highly of him? What's his game?


	8. Chapter 8

I pull into my driveway.

Jane apologized to me for putting cayenne/plutonium/Mexican jumping beans in Kim's lip gloss.

He's never cared what I think of him before.

What's The Artful Dodger up to now?

I open the door.

Someone's in my house.

Gotta be Mr. Sneaky.

I enter the living room.

Kim.

"Sorry, Teresa. I didn't know if you'd let me in and I had to talk to you."

Here come the waterworks. Why doesn't he love me, Teresa? How do I make him love me?

Like I have any expertise. Or any interest.

Instead, she gives me a delicate smile.

"Well, Teresa, I guess we both understand what frozen peas mean in the language of love."

She nods at me.

"Umm. Round and wrinkly?" I venture.

She shakes her head.

"No, Teresa. Sweet, young, evocative of the heady delights of nature."

Back away from her, Teresa. Don't make eye contact.

"When Jane brought me those peas, I almost fainted. Such an innocent gesture yet so highly sexual. You know, bringing a woman you desire something to quell the fires of her engorged lips."

One. Don't say engorged.

Two. I'll have what she's having.

Did Jane not tell her that he was the arsonist who started the fire in her lips?

And if he did, did she take it as just another mash note in the language of love?

"It was pretty clear to me, Teresa, from the way you reacted when you saw the bag of peas pass from his hand to mine, that you have feelings for him," she gazes at me with compassion.

No. Kim. Not compassion. Anything but compassion.


	9. Chapter 9

1

Kim is in my living room.

She broke into my house because she thought this was the only way I'd agree to speak to her.

She believes Jane's in love with her and as a result, I'm heartbroken and in need of comfort.

Wrong in so many ways.

Jane is not in love with her. I'm not heartbroken.

And even if he were in love with her, I wouldn't be heartbroken.

2

Ever heard the story of the middle-aged woman who is told that her husband is having an affair with her next door neighbor?

The woman replies, "Good. Let her be nauseous."

No way he wants her but she's welcome to him.

3

True, he did bring her frozen peas to soothe her swollen lips.

And, as Kim explained, in the language of love, frozen peas mean sweetness, youth and fecundity all at a very reasonable sixty-two calories per half cup serving.

She smiles her compassionate smile.

I can see she's here to enjoy herself. To revel in my emotional meltdown.

I believe I'm supposed to sit next to her on the sofa with my weeping face buried in her copious bosom.

Yes. She has brought her own family size box of Kleenex for just that purpose.

I've gotta straighten her out on this.

"Kim. I know Jane brought you frozen peas, but what did he say, you know, with actual words?"

She blinks. "He was about to speak, Teresa, when you appeared and saw the truth about his feelings for me."

Well, she's got me there. I saw him dabbing frozen peas on her lips and I almost lost my mind.

Kim continues, "And then he came out and apologized because of how we shocked you with the truth about our love and you ran."

That's true. I thought he was apologizing to me about the fact that he loved Kim and I almost lost my mind.

But then…I had my insight.

Jane was apologizing to me for doing something asinine. He didn't want me to think he was a jerk.

4

He is a jerk. And I think he's a jerk. And he'll always be a jerk.

But I've never had the experience of him wishing that I thought otherwise.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

5

However, Kim is still on my couch.

She pats the seat next to her.

"Come on, Teresa, just let it out. You'll feel better."

Maddening.

"Kim, if I told you that Jane put stuff in your lipgloss to give you a bad reaction and now feels bad about being a jerk but doesn't have romantic feelings for you, what would you say?"

"I'd say I'm very sorry you're in such pain and I'm sure if you have yourself a good cry, you'll get past it."

It's hard to look her in the eyes because they're so far apart. I settle for between her eyebrows.

"Kim, I think if you ask Jane, he might tell you—"

Jane strolls out of my bedroom wearing only a towel.

He grabs a Diet Snapple Raspberry Iced Tea from the fridge and heads back.

"Don't stay up too late, girls. It's a school night."


	10. Chapter 10

1

Jane pops the lid on the Snapple and sips it as he strolls past the couch.

I had no idea.

I mean, I had some idea of what an unclothed Jane might look like.

But this…this…

This vision of smooth muscle, ivory skin and languid surfer boy grace.

I'm transfixed. Kim too.

He pauses at the coffee table and takes his time selecting the latest issue of Guns and Ammo.

Kim looks like a hungry wolf.

God knows what I look like except I know I must need a drool cup.

Kim is fast. She darts toward him.

"Patrick, my darling, what are you doing here? Don't tell me you're having an affair with Teresa."

She makes a grab for him. He shrinks back.

In slow motion, the towel undoes itself and...

I hurl myself through the air.

"Nooooo!"

Why "no," Teresa?" Why not "yes?"

Catholic school.

The towel hits the floor.

Underneath the towel, is a fucking sarong.

Jane laughs and dances around the living room like a prize fighter.

2

God, I hate you, Jane. I hate you.

3

Why do I hate him?

Because he's here?

Because he hasn't been here all these years?

Because he's so beautiful, he makes me want to weep?

Because the towel fell off?

Because he's wearing something under it?

Kim seems to have a good grip on him now

"Stay still, Patrick. I need you to tell me the truth," Kim says.

She has his arm bent behind him and her knee is lodged in the small of his back.

He's struggling.

Wait? He's struggling?

Where does she get off breaking into my house and manhandling my boyfriend?

I mean manhandling the co-worker who also broke into my house?

"Let him go, Kim!"

She releases him.

He twists away from her and comes to a stop behind me.

The sarong remains in her hands.

Underneath, he's wearing boxers.


	11. Chapter 11

1

The boxers are short.

Shorter than the sarong or the towel.

Jane's gleaming flanks make time stand still for Kim and me.

If we were vampires, we'd grow little fangs.

Jane grins and sips his Snapple.

The bastard knew exactly the effect his drumsticks would have on us.

Kim recovers first.

"If there's one thing I won't tolerate, Patrick, it's cheating."

"I'm not cheating, Kim," he says.

"He's not cheating, Kim," I say.

"No matter how hard you try. No matter what you say. No matter how you beg, there is nothing you can do to convince me that you and Teresa aren't fooling around behind my back."

Kim turns her back and folds her arms.

CLICK

Jane turns on the TV.

Kim unfolds her arms and turns back to him in disbelief.

"What?" Jane says. "You said I couldn't convince you. So I'm not."

He sinks onto the couch instantly immersed in "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers."

"He doesn't love you, Kim," I say. "And, we're not together. I'm really sorry."

"It's OK," she sighs.

Jane is singing along with the movie mountain man-style. "Bless your beautiful hide, wherever you may be."

Kim rolls her eyes. "I think I just got over him."

I nod at her.

I walk her to the door.

Jane serenades the screen, "We ain't met yet but I'm willin' to bet, you're the gal for me."

"How do you live with this?" she asks.

"I don't know," I answer.

2

I close the door.

There's a curly blond creature in boxers lolling around on my couch.

Gotta be suitable for something.

3

He switches the TV off.

I sit down next to him.

"It was the fastest way to snap her out of it, Lisbon," he says. "And we were out of time."

"Out of time, Jane?"

"Things couldn't keep going the way they were, Lisbon."

"Yeah. Fischer chasing you around and mooning over you and grabbing clothes off you. I couldn't take it either."

"Twelve years," he says.

My mind starts to get tangled in his curls.

Did he say twelve years?

He's not talking about Fischer.

"Things couldn't keep going the way they were, Jane?"

"No Lisbon. And you know why."

I look at him for a long moment.

"I do?"

He nods confidently.

"Think about it, Teresa."

I'm being drawn deep into his aquarium eyes.

I'm bobbing past the kissing gouramis and angel fish.

I find myself floating under an arbor of branch coral.

The little diver near the treasure chest motions me to turn back.

He looks a bit like Cho.

But I've already drifted past the gates of the castle to recline among the pearls in the oyster bed.

Wait.

I'm reclining?

Jane has arranged me to his liking on the couch.

His liking seems to be on my back with my blouse unbuttoned and my bra askew.

I know now why things couldn't go on any longer with Kim.

Why he had to piss her off and make her leave immediately.

"Things couldn't keep going the way they were, could they Jane?"

"I was out of options, Lisbon."

His lips graze my jaw and meander down my neck.

"There's nothing under the boxers, is there, Jane?"

"I could have sworn there was a Speedo somewhere in my dresser, Lisbon. But no dice. This was my last layer."

"I see. So the timing worked out for you, Jane?"

"I believe it did."

"I kind of hate you, " I say.

"You'll get over it."


End file.
